Stillness

Mar. 17th, 2009 05:52 pm
hells_half_acre: (Mount Carleton)


I've been home for a few days now. It's nice to be home. I'm back on my own computer. I have endless amount of time to devote to the myriad of meaningless distractions that I fill my life with. My bed is the most comfortable thing ever invented. My pillow is the perfect mass and density. I can watch Jon Stewart every night. I can drive my car around town and sing along to the radio without shame.

When I got to Vancouver, Susan and I got into a discussion about whether I should move out there or not. At one point in the chat, while trying to explain why Ottawa was losing appeal even though I love the city and grew up here, I said: )

(A walkway near the Museum of Science and Technology in Shanghai, China - it is very hard to get photos without people in them in China - it's like seal hunting: you have to be both extremely patient and very quick)


hells_half_acre: (meanwhile)

Sometimes I try to figure out what I should be doing with my life - If I'm doing what I should be doing now or if I should be doing something else. I try to figure out where I want to be and what would make me the most happy. I have tried to answer these questions the same way for years...by trying to look into the future.

Back when I was a kid, people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never really thought about it normally, but I always felt like they expected an answer. Other kids would always have these grand ideas..."fireman", "singer", "actor", hell even my sister's ambition of being a garbageman was more than I could come up with. In an effort to answer the question, I would close my eyes and try to picture myself in the future. I have never been very good at this. I never really got past seeing only myself, but older...but my older self was usually laughing, and seemed content, so I would answer "Happy."

As usual, back then, just like today, other people could imagine me doing various things far better than I could. "Lawyer", "Judge", "Architect" are the three that I always remembered most. I don't like arguing, so lawyer is out. And I don't like listening to other people argue, so Judge is out. As far as I'm concerned, Architect is still in the running, though we both know that's never going to happen.

When I got a bit older, Imaginary-Future-Me started laughing at her friends' jokes, and being happy because she was surrounded by really cool people. I started thinking "Wouldn't it be cool to have a really great set of friends?" I often wanted a great set of friends, but unlike my sisters I found it very hard to connect with anyone. Being friendly with people was a very big effort, and people could see that about me, and I think that might have hindered the whole "set of friends" goal - until I met the right people anyway. I have a really great set of friends now, and all of my close friends have something in common: They all snuck up on me. One day, I was minding my own business, and the next I had a great set of friends with no idea how I managed to pull it all off. It took absolutely no effort on my part (well, none that seemed a chore anyway).

I can tell my friends are fantastic by the way I dream about them. When I sleep, more often then not I go around my dreams with friends draped over my shoulders...or just to my side, where I don't ever look at them, but I know they are there. Sometimes, the action of whatever dream I'm having will stop and one of my friends will appear and give me a huge hug, say something funny, and then disappear again and the dream will continue. It really much the same role they play in my life, and I love it.

Anyway, back to my point  - picturing my future. I've got the friends, and I've been trying to figure out where I want to be in life. So, I close my eyes and try to picture myself in the future.

When young, all I could see was myself being happy. As a teenager, all I could picture was myself and some friends. And now?

I see an apartment. A really nice apartment. I still have no idea what I do that allows me to live in that apartment, nor where on this planet that apartment is, but man, it's nice. It's cozy. I know where I've hung a couple of my favorite photos and pieces of art. The only room that I keep brightly lit is the kitchen, the rest is all indirect lighting that makes it look like a movie set.

I still live alone in my nice imaginary apartment. In case you were wondering. I haven't been able to picture myself in a relationship since the 6th grade...and even then it was just with a nameless archetype. This fact is either the cause or the result of my abysmal dating history.

So, maybe I'm nesting for no apparent reason other than I'm old....maybe I'll never be able to imagine my way to a perfect job. But, geez, I wish I knew how Imaginary-Future-Me can afford that place.

Go to Hull!

Nov. 4th, 2008 01:45 am
hells_half_acre: (!!!!)

Today, for the first time in quite a while, I woke up at 8am and left the house in order to work. I had meetings in Hull. (For those who don't live in Ottawa: Look up Ottawa, ON, on Googlemaps...you see all that city-stuff on the north side of the river? That's Hull). I don't like going to Hull for two reasons: 1)I get lost as soon as I cross over the bridge (any bridge) 2)It's hard to know where to park when you are lost.

I studied Googlemaps before I left, but once again, I got lost the moment I drove over the bridge - this is quite an amazing feat, since the building I needed was RIGHT BESIDE THE BRIDGE. Anyway, I parked over by the Museum of Civilization, because that's the only thing I know how to get to in Hull, and I walked to where I needed to go.

As I was sitting through meetings, it occured to me that I really didn't mind being there. Firstly, Hull isn't as bad as some people (and by some people, I mean me) make it out to be. It's small, and maybe the only thing of real interest is the Museum of Civilization, but there are a couple of streets that are quite pretty, and the view of Ottawa and the Ottawa river are really nice. Secondly, although I have always felt like working for 8 hours a day was a waste of my life, it occured to me that working in the morning really isn't that bad. I'm usually asleep all morning anyway, so working instead wasn't actually wasting my time at all. What I'm trying to say is that working is the same as sleeping. You are alive, but you aren't really living. So, working all morning and sleeping all morning seemed like interchangable things.

I had this revelation as I was driving home (I must say, the drive to and home from Hull is something I don't mind at all - I really like the parkway, especially when there is no traffic). It's a long way home from Hull though. I had left Hull at around 1:15. I had the revelation about working in the mornings being not-so-bad at about 1:30, just as I was coming to the end of the Parkway. At about 1:50, as I was pulling onto Flewellyn for the remaining 20 minutes of my commute, my body decided to remind me why work and sleep are actually NOT interchangable.

Tiredness hit me like a slap-in-the-face. This has always been something that annoys me about myself. I never gradually ease into either tiredness or hunger. I am either not hungry or starving to death. I am either awake or about to pass out. It is never a good thing to be driving when my body decides it is tired. 

At first I cursed the world for being geared towards people who regularly ingest caffeine. As far as I know, it's the only drug that not only is accepted world-wide as harmless, but also has entire societies based on it's consumption. Then it occured to me that back in the day, even before the invention of coffee (or it's widespread availability), farmers used to get up with the sunrise and stay awake all day doing hard labour...this was because they went to sleep when the sun set. 'Huh' I thought, 'What a concept! If I worked in the mornings and didn't want to pass out at exactly 2pm every afternoon, I would have to go to bed earlier...which means that I wouldn't be awake from, let's say, 10pm to 2am, like I normally am. So, not only would I be wasting my time in the mornings, but I would be wasting my time at night too...sleep and work, although similar, are therefore NOT interchangable.'

After a couple of tense moments, I got home, greeted the dog, checked my email and a couple of websites, and went for a nap. MAN, I love naps. I had the best nap ever. I dreamt things that I don't remember now but I quiet enjoyed at the time. Nap dreams are often fun, because they are just like more trippy thinking, they aren't actually dreams. They are, as I imagine, what thinking on drugs is like....the weirdest things completely blow your mind, and you feel like you have stumbled onto brilliance, even though you realize later that it was all ridiculous...or sometimes it's like little movies of thoughts.

The best part about my nap was that I woke up at the perfect point in the sleep-cycle. I woke up feeling like I had slept for 8 hours, when really it had just been one. Plus, since the sun set at 4:48 today, it was dark when I woke up and I was all cozy under my Avatar Blanket.

I'm not sure what the point of all this is. Maybe I just wanted to tell someone about my day. Or maybe it was to illustrate that I really need to find a profession where I don't actually feel like I'm wasting my time on this planet. (The whole notion is quite ridiculous anyway, since I know for a fact that when I don't have work, all I do is sit around all day and waste my life on the internet - or sleeping. Plus, working pays for my trips! and that's all that really matters - Trips and Friends! Trippy Friends! Tripping Friends? Friendly Trips!).

To complete my day, I went to band practice with Mum. It was fun. Then I played games with Gabe. It was also fun. Then I watched Jon Stewart. He was funny. Then I watched facebook videos of Gabe, Frank, and Eric jamming in Gabe's living room last summer. It made me ...umm...Gabe'sHomesick.

I also talked to Max a little today. As usually, he is awesome.

And that is my ENTIRE DAY. Next I'm going to go to sleep. Tomorrow I will start working at 1pm, because I'll be sleeping all morning.

Change of plans: Next I will play games with Gabe for a half-an-hour THEN I will go to sleep. This is why I don't work mornings.
hells_half_acre: (Mount Carleton)


This is my new haircut and Hey Rosetta! Shirt. The birdies fly over the shoulder and onto the back of the shirt where it says "hey rosetta!" I had promised Sherrie a picture of my haircut about three weeks ago (though, my haircuts really all look the same to the untrained eye), so it's about time I put one up. The shirt is an army green. All my indoor photos are yellow tinged, because it hides the fact that I never bother wearing makeup anymore, also, my flash is so bright that I'd have to wear stage-makeup in order to look good in a photo.

In other news, the job is going well. I'm finally getting used to it. This past month I only worked part-time hours, but that should change now that I know what I'm doing. I don't mind the job so much, it's kind of nice. This is either a phase, and I will go back to freaking out about where my life is headed soon, or I've actually managed to get it through my head that this doesn't have to be the be-all-end-all of my life, and I might as well enjoy it while I can and keep thinking of future possibilities. Right now though, this job is a pretty sweet deal and I'm happy with it.

Mainly, I am happy with it because I found out that in the next year, I have to take 3 possibly 4 trips...and it really helps to have an income when you consider how much plane tickets are. Firstly, I have to go to New Brunswick to bring Gabe a few things he left behind, and to visit him for reasons discussed in a minute. Secondly, I promised Dana a long time ago that she and I would go to Finland together someday. Well, she's been really patient over the years, but my finances or the timing have never been great. That being said, I would really like to do the trip soon, because I'm starting to feel like it may never happen otherwise, so I'm aiming for next summer. Fourthly, I would really like to go to Germany and visit with Sherrie. I miss her to pieces, however, this trip might not be possible because: Fifthly, I have to go to China/Singapore in the spring. I had told Sarah that I would try to visit her before she left Singapore, and this coming school year is going to be her last out there, also it works out because not only is Vancouver/Seattle on the way to Singapore, but so is China and, as of last week....

...Gabe is officially returning to China.



He's not particularly thrilled about it.

The good old Canadian gov't once again turned him down for a job and so,  feeling useless and unwanted by his own country, Gabe decided to go where he knew he would be welcomed: China. So, he is going back to teach and practice his Mandarin more, in the hopes of being able to eventually become a certified translator/interpreter.  I promised when he came back the last time, that if he ever returned, I would go out and visit him. It's not often you get your own personal guide/interpretor in China, and I figured I should take advantage.

So, there you go. That's what I've been up to the past month. I know this is a news post and originally this was supposed to be a writing/photography journal, but whatever, now it's a catch-all.

I did find a story I wrote when I was eight or nine, that I think has a very good moral...so I might post that this week sometime.

In the meantime, enjoy THIS ARTICLE about why I'm right and the rest of the world is stupid.
hells_half_acre: (Mount Carleton)


The job is slowly starting. I had orientation last week. This week they are trying to get us set up with user accounts and email service and stuff like that. It'll be nice to earn money, plus I'm really running out of stuff to do during the day. If the job doesn't start soon, I may actually have to take up one of my long-forgotten hobbies. Heck, maybe I should anyway.

Sherrie and I came up with a new idea for an awesome trip - two words: Ireland and motorbike. So, I have another trip to add to the list and yet another incentive to earn the big bucks. It might not happen for a while, and some of my other trips have time constraints so they get priority, but it's still nice to think of possible future adventures - especially when they involve Sherrie, who is so much fun I think she should be a controlled substance.

In closing, I leave you with the words of Alexander the Great, who knew how to conquer a country:

"Your ancestors entering Macedonia and the rest of Greece wronged us without previous grievance; but I, constituted as leader of the Greeks and wishing to take vengeance on the Persians, have crossed into Asia, something that you people started...And in the future when you send to me, send to me as King of Asia, and do not correspond on equal terms, but as to the lord of all that is yours, tell me if you need anything..."
                      - Letter from Alexander to Darius, King of Persia, 332 BC: Arrian, ii.14

(pictured: part of my lampshade)

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