hells_half_acre | Working from the Inside Out (Reply)

Sometimes I try to figure out what I should be doing with my life - If I'm doing what I should be doing now or if I should be doing something else. I try to figure out where I want to be and what would make me the most happy. I have tried to answer these questions the same way for years...by trying to look into the future.

Back when I was a kid, people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never really thought about it normally, but I always felt like they expected an answer. Other kids would always have these grand ideas..."fireman", "singer", "actor", hell even my sister's ambition of being a garbageman was more than I could come up with. In an effort to answer the question, I would close my eyes and try to picture myself in the future. I have never been very good at this. I never really got past seeing only myself, but older...but my older self was usually laughing, and seemed content, so I would answer "Happy."

As usual, back then, just like today, other people could imagine me doing various things far better than I could. "Lawyer", "Judge", "Architect" are the three that I always remembered most. I don't like arguing, so lawyer is out. And I don't like listening to other people argue, so Judge is out. As far as I'm concerned, Architect is still in the running, though we both know that's never going to happen.

When I got a bit older, Imaginary-Future-Me started laughing at her friends' jokes, and being happy because she was surrounded by really cool people. I started thinking "Wouldn't it be cool to have a really great set of friends?" I often wanted a great set of friends, but unlike my sisters I found it very hard to connect with anyone. Being friendly with people was a very big effort, and people could see that about me, and I think that might have hindered the whole "set of friends" goal - until I met the right people anyway. I have a really great set of friends now, and all of my close friends have something in common: They all snuck up on me. One day, I was minding my own business, and the next I had a great set of friends with no idea how I managed to pull it all off. It took absolutely no effort on my part (well, none that seemed a chore anyway).

I can tell my friends are fantastic by the way I dream about them. When I sleep, more often then not I go around my dreams with friends draped over my shoulders...or just to my side, where I don't ever look at them, but I know they are there. Sometimes, the action of whatever dream I'm having will stop and one of my friends will appear and give me a huge hug, say something funny, and then disappear again and the dream will continue. It really much the same role they play in my life, and I love it.

Anyway, back to my point - picturing my future. I've got the friends, and I've been trying to figure out where I want to be in life. So, I close my eyes and try to picture myself in the future.

When young, all I could see was myself being happy. As a teenager, all I could picture was myself and some friends. And now?

I see an apartment. A really nice apartment. I still have no idea what I do that allows me to live in that apartment, nor where on this planet that apartment is, but man, it's nice. It's cozy. I know where I've hung a couple of my favorite photos and pieces of art. The only room that I keep brightly lit is the kitchen, the rest is all indirect lighting that makes it look like a movie set.

I still live alone in my nice imaginary apartment. In case you were wondering. I haven't been able to picture myself in a relationship since the 6th grade...and even then it was just with a nameless archetype. This fact is either the cause or the result of my abysmal dating history.

So, maybe I'm nesting for no apparent reason other than I'm old....maybe I'll never be able to imagine my way to a perfect job. But, geez, I wish I knew how Imaginary-Future-Me can afford that place.