Stillness

[hells_half_acre]

I've been home for a few days now. It's nice to be home. I'm back on my own computer. I have endless amount of time to devote to the myriad of meaningless distractions that I fill my life with. My bed is the most comfortable thing ever invented. My pillow is the perfect mass and density. I can watch Jon Stewart every night. I can drive my car around town and sing along to the radio without shame.

I was hoping when I got back that I would be reinvigorated when it came to my job. I remember when I first started my job last year, I was all set to have a regular 9-5 job. I actually woke up at 9am and turned on my computer, logged into work, and only logged back off for lunch or when I was done for the day...I would listen to the radio while I worked in order to provide a little interest for myself.  Then they started giving me less and less hours. I was able to sleep in most days because it didn't matter. Eventually I had whole days with nothing to do.

They switched me to the new project before I left, and it should give me more hours. I could use the money. But it's like trying to get water from a stone to try to keep me focus on work. I can only work for two hours and then I need a break. Sometimes I don't come back from break. Listening to the radio doesn't cut it anymore. The radio is horribly boring. I'm restless.

In China, one evening, I was filled with the feeling of "this is where I should be." I was lying on Gabe's bed in my coat and scarf, because his apartment didn't have heat and it was only early February. I was bored out of my tree, because Gabe was off somewhere with his girlfriend, or at class, or something I can't remember now. I had already exhausted all the websites that I had access to in search of entertainment...and I was content. 

It felt like my life was on track. Only, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my life wasn't on any track in that moment. I had gotten off the train altogether. I only ever felt like I was where I was supposed to be when I was in school. Since I graduated, I've been restless. Not only that, I've been restless, and taking my restless energy and making sure that I do absolutely nothing productive with it, because quite frankly, I no longer know what is out there that can actually hold my attention. I may be developing some weird form of adult attention-deficit disorder and/or I may need to change a few things.

The problem is, like most people, I really don't like working for a living. I'm beginning to wonder if there are actually people out there who like their jobs, or if the majority of the population are just much better at convincing themselves that they do when they actually don't.

When I got to Vancouver, Susan and I got into a discussion about whether I should move out there or not. At one point in the chat, while trying to explain why Ottawa was losing appeal even though I love the city and grew up here, I said: "I just like being...away." I tried to qualify it by saying "somewhere other than Ottawa, not necessarily away from home (I know that if I did move, then Vancouver would become home and I wouldn't be away) Susan shook her head at my attempt to explain and said, "No, you just like being away."

My trip was awesome. It was exactly what I needed. It reminded me about what it feels like to be still inside, while all the world around me is not. It reminded me how absolutely awesome my friends are, how I'm the luckiest person in the world to have them in my life, and it reminded me what it felt like to be completely myself, doing what I would be doing if I had complete freedom...I suddenly wanted to take up carpentry, learn photography, learn french, learn to play the guitar, write a novel, and write a epic love poem to friendship or the casual intimacy in everyday life that is so often overlooked.

I just don't know how to drum up that much enthusiasm for life AND make a living.

(A walkway near the Museum of Science and Technology in Shanghai, China - it is very hard to get photos without people in them in China - it's like seal hunting: you have to be both extremely patient and very quick)