16 days

Jan. 6th, 2009 03:36 pm
hells_half_acre: (Default)



I like this little comic by Somerled.

16 days until my Epic China-Singapore-Vancouver adventure (with side-trip to Redmond, WA)!

I did some laundry last night and realized that I had not done laundry for a month. This means two things: A) I own a lot of underwear. B) I have been wearing nothing but pyjamas way too much.

Really, the only thing left for me to do is to exchange my currency (for which I have to drive into Ottawa) and figure out how I'm packing everything I need for 6 weeks into a carry-on backpack. Thankfully, there's one thing doing laundry has taught me: If I do laundry more often, I don't actually need that much.

I also have to write down phone numbers of the people I'm going to visit, both for myself, and for Mum in case she needs to get in touch with me. Mostly though, I am looking forward to being MIA when it comes to communication. I would like to take this opportunity to run-away completely for a bit.

I want to have adventures and not tell anyone about them, because that is my favorite part of travel - all those secret things that only I know. I like to dance around people's assumptions...tease them with random unconnected details. Make them think they know me, think they know where I've been and what I've done. I'm probably not good at it. People probably figure it out, or at least some do. Others I tell honestly...or as honestly as I get. My friends know me better than I know myself, so there's no point playing with most of them. 

It's because I'm partially obsessed with perception - the way we are all numerous people at once. A thousand parallel worlds that we can never see, but that are the reality for others. I am not myself to you, and I never will be, so why should I try? It's easier to discover - to guess a little at - who you think I am, and play to that. Reinforce the ideas that I like, that I wish I could be maybe, that I'd like to think I am, and try to diminish those things that I don't agree with - whether true or not. I never lie, mind you. I omit.

I think I like traveling because it is a constant state of metamorphosis, in which I never ever change. I am always the same and I know who that is better when there is an illusion of change around me. When things stay the same too long, I forget sometimes what it is like to just have myself and nothing else.

hells_half_acre: (blurry)
The lovely Sherrie tagged me for a meme. You can read about it over at her blog. I like being a dead-end of memes, so I'm not going to bother tagging anyone. If anyone reading would like to do it, then go right ahead. The demand is to write a letter to yourself when you were 13, as if you could send letters backward in time. Back when I was 13, I wrote a letter to myself at 23, because time only moves forward, so, here is my response (some years late).


Hello Myself,

I've tried to figure it out, and I'm pretty sure you must be in Grade 7. You have reached your full height, just so you know, but it'll take a couple of years for your friends to catch up with you. Enjoy being the tallest for a bit - you are already the oldest and it only adds to your overdeveloped sense of superiority.

I know it sucks that Michael is leaving for university, but it's not the end of the world. Emily is going to skip a grade and join him shortly, and then it'll just be you and Susan, and it will actually be kind of nice (if not a little boring) to have the house to yourselves. Susan doesn't think any less of you for watching kids shows, so enjoy them. You'll be watching a lot of TV actually, because it's how you deal with stress...and yeah, things aren't necessarily going to get any better for you for a long time, but they aren't going to get any worse either.

High School is super boring, but you meet a couple of cool people there and you have some good laughs. I could advise you to learn French, but I know you won't. It's true, I wish I knew it now, but you are quite correct that it will only bring down your average and those scholarships come in pretty handy when you finally get to go to university. University is worth the wait.

Learning German reaps far more rewards than learning French, don't let anyone tell you otherwise - they quite often don't know what is important in life. It's better to learn French when you want to.

I'm not one to have regrets, so I'm not going to tell you to do anything differently. There are some sucky points, some things that for a brief moment you'll think "well, I should have done that differently," but if you do everything perfect the first time, you never learn. I like who you become and for that reason alone, I'm letting you make your mistakes.

No, you do not have a boyfriend. You will not have one (not really anyway) for the next 13 years at least (who knows what the future holds).  This isn't as bad as it sounds, and this does not mean what you think it does.

My only advice is to try to have more self-esteem. I know you are probably thinking "what crack are you smoking?" because you have self-esteem in spades. You are awesome and you know it. The people who matter in your life will know it too. You never listen when people tell you otherwise, you are fantastic at blocking out other people's criticisms. You are, however, your own worst critic, and you seem to have a harsher self-critic than most everyone else in the world. You quit things all the time, because you think you aren't very good at them. You are. I don't know where these judgments come from. Maybe you are too easily frustrated. I don't know...try to stick with things. You secretly do care what other people think, but you make up what they think before they have a chance to. The truth is that people aren't as mean as you are to yourself.

There is one thing you never quit working on and become quite excellent at and that (cheese-ily) is love. True, it is not a marketable skill, and you are unemployed at 26 wondering why everything you are good at is not stuff you can put on a resume. It's worth it nonetheless. You tell people you are unlucky in love, in order to explain the lack of boyfriends, but it's not true. You are very lucky in love. Love is what you work hardest at and never quit. It's not love in the traditional sense though, not love as you know it now. Because of this, hardly anyone will understand you or your relationships. Love changes you, but not in a way that anyone on the outside will notice. You like the changes.

I wish I had advice for stocks, but I still don't pay attention to that sort of thing. Like I said, I'm not one for regrets and I like the person you become.

Sincerely,
Alix
hells_half_acre: (blurry)
Fog

Sometimes people think I'm intelligent, but to me my brain is a fog in the dark. There are thoughts, but I don't know what they are or what they mean. I can feel their shape, run my hands over them, but they are a complete mystery to me. I open my mouth and words come out, but I don't know where they come from...sometimes I say the wrong thing, sometimes I say the right thing, sometimes what I say has no meaning or point. Sometimes I know exactly what knowledge I need, but I can't get my hands around it. It's just out of reach. It's frustrating.

Sometimes people tell me I'm beautiful. Who am I to judge? I've never looked like myself. I've always had familiar strangers staring out at me from mirrors. Sometimes I forget that I'm female. The things that isolate me from society have never been due to gender or the way I look...maybe my supposed intelligence, maybe my humour...maybe the fact that I'm not that special at all really.

When I think of Gabe, I feel as though I could reach out and grasp his soul. Feel its shape in the dark fog and know it to be him. When I think of other people, I feel the same, perhaps I would not know them...but their soul shapes in the dark would be something I could run my hands over, and perhaps there would be something I hadn't felt before, but it would be them. When I think of myself, there is no shape, no image, no concrete thing. I am the fog itself. Intangible but all encompassing, blind to the shapes I'm hiding in the dark. I'm the only person I know who often forgets that they exist.

Once Gabe and I played a game of "how well do you know your friend." There was a question: How often does your friend think people talk about them?

Gabe answered on my behalf with "more than I like" but I had choosen "more than I think"...I told him, "I don't mind when people talk about me. I'm just surprised that they do." I don't really exist to myself, so how can I exist to other people? - I'm not here, this isn't happening.

Sometimes I can be everything to everyone. I've spent most of my life perfecting the ability. It's not lying. It's all true. I'm just surprised that sometimes when I push things, they fall over.

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